How To Deal With Your In-Laws in 12 Steps

By • Nov 3rd, 2010 • Category: WTH

It’s the famous Urban Legend 12-Step Guide To Success in Everything. Today we present: How To Deal With  Your In-Laws.

A moose. Look.

  1. Everything has a positive and a negative side. In-Laws are the negative side to you getting hitched to that one special person in your life who you knocked up on campus.
  2. The first step in dealing with this problem is contemplating divorce.
  3. But then you love her and, plus, the kid will come in useful in the future, so perhaps you had better hang in there for a while.
  4. Change your attitude. You are not the victim here. You are hero. Like Bruce Willis. You know when the bad guys come and they beat him up and he is all messed up and bloody and clearly in pain? What does he do? Does he tell the director to yell “Cut!” and then walk off the set of the movie to find first aid? No. He fights back. Learn from Bruce Willis, people.
  5. We do not mean you should turn a police car into a firebomb/missile and drive it into your in-laws’ helicopters the way Bruce Willis did in Die Hard 4 even though that would be the MOST AWESOME THING EVER!! We have more legal ways that are likely to cause less property damage. We suggest holding a meeting.
  6. But first watch Discovery Channel and learn about animals.
  7. Such as wolves and lions and moose (Moose is a thing between a buffalo and an antelope that they have in States. You will see when you watch Discovery). Learn from their behaviour. They have something called the Alpha male which has certain tactics it uses to do what they call “establishing dominance”. These tactics are aimed at making sure that nobody challenges it.
  8. These include just walking up to a random animal in the pack and punking his ass right there. Just to set an example of what it is capable of. So learn from this. When your in-laws are assembled, pick one of them and bitchslap him.
  9. No! No! Not literally. Why don’t you finish reading the article first? We meant metaphorically. As in do something to him that will make him your bitch. Find the weakest in-law and scold, berate, cajole and in every other way you can imagine, undermine his self esteem. This will ensure that you always have a target when time comes to fight with her clan.
  10. If you don’t know how to undermine self-esteem, ask a wife.
  11. You know what? That will take too long. Just bitchslap literally. Why not? They deserve it. Showing up at your house at midnight on a Wednesday mbu they don’t use hotels when they are in the same city as their daughter. Shya! Drinking your Quencher. They even overmix it. I hate when people overmix Quencher.
  12. In fact, assault them all. Use a broom. Get the kids to help. Machievelli said, “You gotta make them fear you before they feel you.” Or maybe it was Eminem. Anyway, beat your in-laws with brooms. Then they will not mess with you again. And you will get that divorce we mentioned in point two.

Another moose. Yes, that is a statue. I think mooses are endangered

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