Have you ever been a baby? If you’ve never, that’s too bad. But you’re not alone. The ‘baby’ title is very privileged and rare. Statistically speaking, almost 99% of the world’s population has never had this title. They’ve never been babies.
That’s why I went back to the lab and said, “But wait!” Then after I said, “I should write a manual for these people teaching them how to grow backwards. To ungrow.” Then I continued and said, “And then I should put it in the ‘Love Doctor’ category because that’s how much I care about them.” Dudes and dudesses, presenting 10 awesome ways to become a baby.
1: You need to reduce your IQ immensely. It’s not as easy as you think. Only rich and famous people like Pastor Sempa and Badman Bobi can pull off something this big. They have the money. For you you need serious training.
2: Touch FM’s breakfast show would be a good place to start. It is said that you can lose over half of your grownup intellect in less than 30 minutes in that place. True story.
3: Your appearance. Avoid grownup things like boxers, t-shirts and jeans. They are not good for your reputation. Do nappies.
4: Like Straka.
5: Every man who gets into a relationship automatically becomes a baby. It’s the easiest way. They suckle their girlfriends’ tits looking for milk. Then they insert straws in another part of the body.
6: But not to look for milk. Therein lies the mystery. What do they be looking for?
7: Girls suckle something else.
8: Try not to talk intelligibly. Saying things that make sense makes no sense. It instead frustrates your baby efforts. Don’t say: “You look beautiful tonight, darling.” Say “gugapunyamnyamprrrr”.
9: But that’s for professional babies. You have to start small. With statements like “I am putting my behind on NRM”.
10: Or just listen to Hot 100.