The Kumite Contest

By • Nov 1st, 2010 • Category: Features

The Kumite Contest

The Kumite is a secret martial arts tournament where only the bravest, most vicious, most deadly, most fierce, most brutal, most calamity-causing fighters in the world meet to do battle. The outcome is to find out who of them is truly the greatest warrior of them all.

Some say the Kumite doesn’t actually exist, but that it is only fiction. Others say what we know as the Kumite is actually an exaggerated version of a simple normal sports event from ancient times.

Those people need to shut up. The Kumite had better exist because if it doesn’t then the whole world sucks for not having a Kumite somewhere somehow going on in it.

The Kumite is a world championship, and draws fighters from all corners of the globe. We would like to see who we can send from the Republic of Uganda.

Bobi Wine

Real name: Robert Kyagulanyi Sentamu

Aliases: Ghetto President, Bad Bobi Wine, Bada nnywa Sada, Taata W’abaana, The Snuffer-outer of the Kataala. Lipsdaddy.

Chief Strengths: Has a history of hits. Natural inborn fighting spirit

Weaknesses: Stoned half-blind a lot of the time.

Bobi Wine is not a muscular fellow by any estimation, but he is a born fighter. Bred in Dangala, Kamwokya, one of the hardest hoods in Uganda, the reggae/ragga/ kidandali musician brings a lot to any battle.

For starters, he brings the hardness, the spirit that won’t back down from a challenge. He also brings one of the meanest jeers in Uganda to play due to the fact that he has a pair of lips that he probably works out in a gym. They are big enough to sneer and jeer so powerfully that they will cause a concussion in the person they are directed to. Seriously. Every time Mr Kataala starts, wherever he is, Bebe Cool gets a headache.

In addition to this, he is a local musician and, as we all know, they have all been underwater to commune with dark forces, so he has certain powers beyond the ken of normal men.

His techniques: Last time we saw him in a fight we noted that one of his main techniques is to call his bodyguard to punch his opponent. It has proven effective many times.

Weapons: It hasn’t been established, but is largely believed that his Ford Escalade is actually a Transformer.

Contestant #2

Real name: Namirembe Bitamazire

Alias: Geraldine Namirembe Bitamazire, Gyeladina, Honourable, Honolabo, Teacher, Madam, Missez Bitamazire, Bitz

Chief Strength: Experience

Namirembe Bitamazire is an ancient warrior who has been fighting without cease or rest for many many years. She has gone against some of our nation’s, indeed Africa’s greatest enemies: Ignorance and Poverty, and has never put down her weapons to rest.
This sort of stamina will prove invaluable in the Kumite, as will the courage to face off against foes who everyone else seems to have surrendered to.  I personally remember going into war for education against ignorance. It was called exams. Many times I was thoroughly beaten. Especially in sciences. In the end I just gave up fighting. I would just go in, take my beating, and leave.

Weapons: Her chief weapon is academic scolding which, as all educated people know, is a lethal tool. Anyone who has ever been told off by a teacher knows how humiliating and belittling it is.

Weakness: Bitz is a minister in the NRM government which is basically a cesspool of incompetent and corrupt brownnosers and thieves. You need the  backing of a solid crew, and alas, she lacks that.

She is also about three-foot-two, meaning her short-stubby hands can’t reach the opponent unless he is very near.

Contestant #3

Real Name: Unknown

Alias: Michael Ezra, Uncle Money, The Ghost

Michael Ezra is a flamboyant suspected gun-trafficker who is wanted by the Uganda police as well as sundry creditors. He has eluded capture a number of times and this is what his greatest strength is. You can’t touch the guy. He is like Yoshimitsu—he is not made of flesh and bone. He is made of ectoplasm, that is, a non-material substance. (Look it up if you don’t believe me) and he can teleport himself to places.

Now, whereas this means he cannot be injured it also means he cannot actually hurt anybody. However, his sunglasses and arrogant grin can be used to taunt and scorn his opponents, leading them to embarrass themselves.

Chief Weapons: Pair of Shades, Money

Contestant #4

And finally we have a dark horse entrant. We don’t know much about him. He has not been fighting in the public eye. He is a mystery. He says his

Real name: Wori

But it sounds like “oooowhhhoooooorrrrr”, like a punch flying past your face. It’s difficult to get a look at his face because he is engulfed in shadow and there are swirls of fog that surround him constantly. From his shadowy visage no light escapes, in fact the only light we can see seems to be the glint of weapons. When he speaks, his voice is cavernous and it echoes itself.

Liking this article is what happens to cool people

  • petesmama

    You forgot Namirembe’s awesome wig. She definitely brings that relic to the table.

  • Sleek

    That’s cheating. Giving us a nameless contestant. It’s like going to vote without a voters card.Nyahar.I said it (self high five)

  • Pingback: Urban Legend Kampala » Blog Archive » The Kumite Part II()