Yesterday’s Halloween celebrations marked the start of a new era for Hell after it was abruptly shut down for general repairs. CEO and co-founder, Satan Lucifer made the announcement at a few minutes past midnight, immediately halting all soul burning and entry into Hell.
“We feel our customers now deserve better than this 4th Century BC technology. The equipment is so old and cannot satisfy the ever-increasing number of souls coming in every day,” he said. “We felt, well, I felt the need for an upgrade. I’ve imported 21st Century tech but it will take some time before my demons get used to the way it works.”
Among the imported machines is the long-awaited XT-Misery 707. It can burn up to 20 billion souls in one go and comes with lots of fantastic upgrades including Soul Scream Mute and Custom-Burn that automatically apportions the temperature according to one’s sins. “We are really excited to have this fiery beast. It’s customized to know how much pain to inflict to a soul according to age, profession and level of sin. It generates most of its info from Facebook.”
Unfortunately, the announcement left many ghosts stranded at the gates of hell, much to their chagrin. One soul protested: “What the hell! Look, I didn’t commit suicide just to come out here and be idle. There’s no food, no water, no TV…this is not fair. If the situation is not resolved soon, I’m hanging myself.”