How To Drive A Hummer

By • Oct 26th, 2010 • Category: How To: The Step-By-Step Guide

The Famous Urban Legend 12 Step Guide to Success in Anything At All.

1: Find out exactly what a Hummer is. No, not just what it looks like. Everybody knows what it looks like: Ugly. Ugly but expensive. People tend to see the money and not the ugly, but everyone knows what a Hummer looks like. You need to understand the Hummer. Philosophically.

2: Now that you know that Hummers are inherently asshole vehicles, you can proceed to step two, the second requirement to driving a Hummer, which is, of course, becoming a jerk.

3: You need to practice. Hummers are not for casual jerks. You need to be a totally committed, thoroughly devoted, top-level, elite style asshole to qualify to drive a Hummer in Kampala, so practice. Go around kicking primary school kids in the head, stealing old ladies’ walking sticks and poisoning kittens.

4: Or just get a company that sends out mass spam SMS.

5: Next step: Go to Gagamel, Good Lyfe or Fire Base Crew. These are the names of various camps of local ragga musicians. Local ragga music is very lucrative, especially for assholes. I’m not naming names, I’m not saying which one of them is a bastard, but he knows himself and so does everyone who has had the misfortune of being within spitting distance of his ego. That is actually like being within two kilometers of the dude himself.


6: Learn how to fake a Jamaican accent and claim that you are representing Ugandan culture with it.

7: Launch a “music” career singing about haters, partying, and women’s bums in this accent.

8: Use this career as a front while you actually make a lot of money dealing drugs and pimping village girls around town.

9: Occasionally lead gang fights with rival crews during which you may shoot them (or have them shot). Make it seem as if this is over musical differences, but in reality it is business. Turf wars are part and parcel of the drug trade.

10:  Watch Gangs of New York and New Jack City. You will get the idea.

11: Amass a huge fortune.

12: Send me some of it, and use the rest to buy a Hummer, then drive the hideous thing.

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  • young african

    You forgot
    # 0.5 Have a micropenis

    (pro tip, don’t google image micropenis if you value your eyeballs and sense of sanity. Forewarned is forearmed)