How To Slaughter Livestock

By • Oct 18th, 2010 • Category: How To: The Step-By-Step Guide

The Famous Urban Legend 12 Step Guide to Success in Everything Possible.

1: There are various different ways of slaughtering livestock. This is because there are very many different forms of livestock, each with unique murdering requirements. There are goats, chicken, cows and even (In Korea and Lumumba Hall, MUK, for example) dogs. However, I think we should start with the hardest—Cows. If you can terminate the life of a cow, you will be able to handle pretty much everything smaller.

2: Approach the cow.

I have dreams of a long, fruitful life.

3:  Scream, “Eeeuww!” and step back. Because cows smell, quite literally, of shit. You see, cows don’t have the capacity to clean themselves up after they visit the lavatory. They possess neither of the two most important requirements: hands and the money to buy tissue paper, so when they crap, what isn’t discarded remains clinging to the cow’s butt.

4:  Block your nose, then go back and scrub the cow’s ass clean.

5:  Now, we can talk. Apologise to the cow.

6:  Look, just because  you are going to kill someone or something doesn’t mean you have to be a dick about it. Apologise to the cow. It’s the decent thing to do.

7:  It’s going to give you a look, all sad and plaintive and pleading, like, “Why me? What did I ever do to you? I was just here minding my own business eating grass. I thought we were friends. You even just cleaned my ass for me.” Pangs of conscience may start to rise in your soul. Ignore them. Think of burgers and muchomo and steaks and byenda and chips liver.

I am also a whole bunch of burgers

8:  Besides, you have to kill the thing. Otherwise you just scrubbed a cow’s ass for nothing.

9:  Remind the cow of this thing called the “Food Chain” (You can do the fingers. Makes you look smart and authoritative when you do the fingers indicating quotation marks. Everybody knows that.)

10:  Cock your weapon. I assume you have a decent-calibre pistol. A .45 Desert Eagle perhaps. That was the kind of gun Tupac liked. (Until he was shot with one of them, of course). For smaller livestock, smaller calibers may be used, but it depends on the mobility of the animal. For example, chicken need an AK47 otherwise you will have a lot of running to do.

11:  Place the barrel to the side of the animal’s head and recite a speech from a classic movie, such as: “Say hello to my little friend.” “Hasta La Vista baby.” “Yippe kayay mutherfucker.” “And I will rain upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger.” Do not use lines from The Killers, Knight and Day or Max Payne. It is inhumane to shoot a cow in the head while reciting lines from crap flicks.


12:  You see the feeling of power you get from snatching a life away? The ecstacy! The euphoria! Feel it! Love it! Revel in it! Muahahahaha! You are a true badass! Hahahahah! Muahahahaha! You have now slaughtered livestock.

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