How To Play Chess In 12 Easy Steps

By • Oct 15th, 2010 • Category: How To: The Step-By-Step Guide

1: There is a clear distinction which most novices fail to make between chess and the game of draughts. If you are to convincingly play chess, you must successfully make this distinction.

2: Think of it this way: You could eat Le Poulette de la Frisson a la Tartare at a posh restaurant, or you could have chips and chicken at Mask. You could say it is the same thing, but that would prove that you are shallow and local and completely unprepared to handle the difference between Chess and Draughts. Please style up.

3: One is posher. The other one is called Checkers in America.

4: Assemble the pieces. There are many different types of chess pieces on any given day. Each piece has a particular role to play on the board. Learn the pieces and their roles.

5: Some of them are a bit phallic. These have appropriate names. Such as: Knight (would make a great name for a condom brand), Castle (would also make a great name for a condom) bishop (not as great a name for a condom). Collectively, these pieces are known as the X-Men, because they have the most badass powers.

6: These are their powers: The bishop can reach all the way across the board like Mr Fantastic and the Knight can mate with both man AND horse.

7: Then there is a line of little nobs called pawns. You don’t need to know anything about them. They are insignificant.

8: Now that you know what the pieces do, it’s time to move them. The game is played by moving your pieces to “eat” your opponent’s pieces.

9: Not literally eat them. They are not even digestible. Spit them out and wipe the saliva off them.

10: Adopt strategy, cunning, foresight and intelligence to maneuver a plan to eat the king.

11: I didn’t mention the king? The king is this pussy piece that does nothing but sit there until there is no one left to defend it, then it loses the game.

12: Gloat. This is the purpose of victory. To be able to say unto the vanquished that you are their daddy.

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