Who or what is Justin Beiber?

By • Sep 29th, 2010 • Category: Features

Ever since the two words “Justin Beiber” appeared on the global information radar this question has perplexed right thinking members of society: What the hell is a Justin Beiber?

That's Beiber. No, the one on the right.

We ran a full investigation with the aim of discovering exactly what this whole thing entails and can now report our findings.

Justin Beiber is a paradox of science and philosophy in the sense that the more one experiences it, the less one knows about it. In layman’s terms, (for the benefit of the less intellectual among us – Lumumba Oyee!) what this means is, you would think that when I show you Justin Beiber, that would answer your question. This is not the case. Instead, when you see it, you just ask even more questions or re-ask the same question with more energy. “What the fuck is this shit?”

It is helpful to know about Justin Beiber when you venture into Kampala social spheres, as it will save you a lot of embarrassment and shock. If you are a man and a guy asks you whether you have any Justin Beiber in your iPod, you can expect that his next query will be whether or not he can make out with you. Depending on  how you feel about this sort of thing you can either run away or get some breath mints from the vendors outside Fat Boys.

And this is mister or misses Beiber with someone useless to this story

Though used prolifically by the gay community, Justin Beiber is NOT really a 40-year-old lesbian. This is a commonly-touted myth that has no basis in reality. Justin Beiber is what happened when Dr.  Musungu Tanga Wa Chui, a Munamasaka witchdo—alternative medicine practitioner, stuttered and mispronounced a certain occult incantation. The result was that the belly of hell opened and forth emerged a being the likes of which time hath never yet beheld.

But it has no discernible genitalia and therefore cannot possibly have a gender.

Technically this means that Justin Beiber is Ugandan. However, there will be no performances of his “songs” in Lugogo or Africana or wherever those people sing. He has been deported and his citizenship was revoked.

What happened is he was at Cayenne chilling with Cyclone Galz and Zari two miscellaneous chicks from Record TV, because chicks like Justin Beiber. Then Tonix saw what was happening and thought he should walk over.

He was all like, “Hi. I’m Tonix. I’m also popular with chicks.” And Beiber was like, “Oh, really? You have a song or something?” and Tonix was like, “Hell yeah. I said I’m Tonix, didn’t I?” And Beiber was like, “Yeah, I know you. You’re the one who sang that song of Stamina.” And Tonix was all, “Dude, that’s Kenzo!” And that’s when Beiber said, “Yeah, whatever” and shit popped off.

Because how does someone call you Eddie Kenzo?

Tonix you see him there, but he has done training. The problem is that the chicks were now supporting Beiber so Tonix got bounced. Long story short, Tonix has a cousin who works in immigration and now Beiber can’t get travel documents to return to Kampala.

This would seem to suggest that you run no risk of suffering the unspeakable evils JB is capable of inflicting, and so it follows that you don’t really need to know anything about him, so let’s stop wasting our time and discuss issues instead.

Another Beiber picture just for just. No, I already told you. It's the one on the right.

No actual musicians were harmed in the making of this story. Only Beiber.

Liking this article is what happens to cool people