We have seen Akon, Wycleff, Shaggy, Joe, UB40 – international pop stars such as these flying all the way down to this Uganda to perform for us. Thank you beer and airtime companies. But the people we have been most interested in seeing are yet to appear.
We haven’t seen any hot international female RnB stars coming to Uganda to perform. Why is this? Why doesn’t Beyonce come to Uganda?
Our investigative team tracked the Destiny’s Child frontwoman down on facebook and held this interview.
Hello, Beyonce. We are very glad you could make the time to talk to us. Beyonce, why don’t you come to perform in Uganda?
Where’s Uganda? Is it in Utah?
No, it’s in Africa.
That’s where all the black people come from.
So it’s in Brooklyn?
No, there is a continent called Africa, after Europe and Asia and before Australia. It’s called Africa. Umm… Where Madonna got her new kid, David.
I thought David was from Brooklyn.
No, he’s from Malawi. In Africa. Look, have you watched that movie, Coming To America, starring Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall?
Who is Arsenio Hall?
The other guy in the movie… Look have you watched it or not?
Yeah, I’ve watched it.
Now Eddie Murphy was a prince called Akeem, from a kingdom called Zamunda in another land, wasn’t he?
Yes, I remember. And he came to Queens to find a bride.
Yes. Well, Eddie Murphy’s land was in Africa.
Hah hah! Don’t be silly. That land wasn’t real. It was made up for the movie. There is no such place as Zamunda. Duh.
That is why Beyonce has never come to Uganda.
Hello Rihanna. I am from Uganda. I wanted to know whether you have ever thought of performing in our country.
Uganda, that’s in the third world, am I right?
Yes, the third world. But we have some nice hotels, and about seven hummers in the capital city and a nice concert space where you can sing Umbrella etc.
Tell me more.
You can fly in—we have an airport—and be driven by limo – we also have a limo. A white one—to a suite in a five star hotel—we have about two of those. You can take your pick. Then after you relax in your suite for a while, you can just take the Hummer down to Lugogo and perform. It’ll be ballistic.
Sounds like a plot, but I’m not so sure. This IS the third world, isn’t it?
What are your poverty rates in Uganda?
Well, a third of the population lives on less than a dollar a day, GDP per capita is 270 dollars. There are 0.08 physicians per 1000 people and for 40 of the country’s 47 year history we have been in a state of civil war. But things are improving fast.
You mean it used to be worse?
Oh, it was dismal.
Sounds to me like you guys have more important things to spend your money on than Rihanna concerts. In fact, I would suggest that as much as possible the economically empowered elite minority in your country should plow their money back into the economy by supporting local home-grown industry, perhaps by paying to see concerts by local musicians, instead of blowing all their cash importing me. I’ve just done a youtube search of Ugandan music and this boy Tonix sounds quite dope. Throw a concert by Tonix. There’s something about that boy.
Hello, Keri Hilson. I write for a prestigious news organization in Uganda where the people would like to know your thoughts on staging a concert in the capital city.
My agent was contacted by a music promoter from Uganda just over a year ago, actually. The man claimed he was responsible for several successful concerts featuring American singers that have been staged in various parts of Africa, including Uganda. He said it was him who signed Akon and Clef. I love Akon and Clef. Those are my homies, as we Americans say, and they loved Uganda, so I was very keen to check out your country. But after we signed the papers he started asking for money. Does he think we were born yesterday? I don’t know if you know this guy. He said his name is Henry Segawa, but I heard people refer to him by another name: Kiwani Mwelele.